CORKAGE

Can a black man drink red wine in the White House? He very well may if he’s Barack Obama. Obama, the Illinois senator and Democratic nominee for President, reportedly maintains a 1,000 bottle cellar in his $1.6 million Chicago home. In fact, at some of his campaign fund-raising events, there have reportedly been bottles of red wine with the liberal hopeful’s face right on the label. But ever since his speech at the Brandenberg Gate in Berlin, Germany, John Hafferty of Bin Ends in Braintree, Mass., imagines Obama has been drinking a lot of German Riesling, particularly the 2005 Gunderloch Niersteiner Pettenthal Kabinett ($16.50). “Viewed by many pundits as a symbol of Barack’s intentions to re-establish our two nations’ old alliances and spirit of co-operation, Barack simply says he likes it because ‘it tastes kinda sweet,’” Hafferty joked.

Despite the hair plugs and phony smile, Vice Presidential candidate Joe Biden strikes us as a pretty regular kinda guy. However, Biden told the New York Times he has never taken a drink in his life because alcoholism is prevalent in his extended family. But if he did drink, we imagine the senior Senator from the great state of Delaware would probably enjoy something simple like Stephen Vincent Merlot ($9.99). It is a regular kinda wine for a regular kinda guy. If he ever did take up drinking, we imagine him occasionally brown bagging a bottle on the train back home to Delaware from D.C.

My friends, Republican Presidential nominee John McCain’s pedigree is impeccable. He’s a war hero and the senior Senator from Arizona. But all the years spent as a prisoner of war in the Hanoi Hilton in Vietnam have caused him to age prematurely. He strikes us as a bottle of California Cabernet Sauvignon from an off year that’s past its prime. If there ever was any fruit, it’s long gone, even the relaxed elegance of a truly mature wine has turned into nothing but oxidized vinegar. Imagine a 1973 Chateau Montelena Cabernet (the year he was released from prison) that has been left open too long near your basement heater. You paid too much for it (approximately $90 at auction) and now it’s just bitter old swill.

During campaign stops, Alaska Governor Sarah Palin often refers to “Joe Six Pack” in her speeches, but we just can’t picture her chugging a beer. Somehow we think a glass of White Zinfandel would be perfect for McCain’s running mate. Sure, it’s pretty on the outside and many Americans love the sweet taste, but further examination reveals nothing of substance. Pretty and sweet but lacking substance perfectly describes the Glen Ellen White Zinfandel ($6.99 at your local liquor store) with its invitingly sweet bubbles. “They tickle my nose!” we imagine the Republican maverick giggling. Watch out for the headache the next morning.

Bin Ends is located at 236 Wood Road, Braintree, MA 02184. Hours are Wednesday through Saturday, 10 a.m. to 8 p.m., and Sundays 12 to 6 p.m.

Drinks are on me!